i was changing his bedsheets today. Cleaning up his room. Packing up his stuff. Opening up his windows to bring in fresh air.
i remembered those times when we change the bedsheets together. you sweating. me sneezing. you cleaning, i mopping. you packing, i organizing. haha
i remembered the time i broke down so badly while doing up. You hugged me from the back, i broke free from your embrace. my face was smudged. my heart was weak. my body was aimless.
i remembered the time when we parted at vivo city. i was about to head to your place to change the sheets. you held my hand, hugged me and looked me into the eyes, promised me with the heart of sincerity that you wouldnt hurt me anymore again. you wouldnt make me feel sad anymore. (: xoxo
i was changing the sheets again today. it was refreshing. is a whole new different feeling. i came to terms with everything. and i fall in love with him and his everything again.
the past had been surrendered on the Cross by my Jesus. nothing can change this fact. and is on the cross, i see it there. never to come back to me.
I can finally post something with the ease of my mind. Was troubled and bothered with so much of stuffs, huffs and puffs.
Thank God I don’t need to have any “the talk” session with him when he comes back. Cause I cleared things up with him. :) all I’m looking forward now, anticipating since 2 weeks ago, waiting impatiently for is really his hugs and kisses and presence and attention and the whole of him. Yes I’m that gian for him. And I’m joyful and glad that I’m like this for him! :)
13th day in melbourne
Counting down to all the non stop exchanges of kisses and hugs: 2 days.
Heck. I’m not gg to be bothered whether he likes it or not that I’m counting down.
Ass. Can I just round up today as tomorrow? So I can say” my Deardear is coming back tomorrow!!!”
He just texted me saying that he wanted to see me first when he touched down singapore. I should be happy knowing that. But after last night, when he phrases his sentence, when he said his desires to cook is for his future wife. Hmm It just saddens me so much, aches me so deeply to have the thought tht i may not be in his future.
i shouldnt be a demanding bitch to ask him to cook for me.
im glad he has that desire.
is good.
i foresee that this night is going to be a long ass one.
tissues. checked
songs. checked
pillows. checked.
bolsters. checked
night time. checked.
alone. checked.
im prepared.
fuck, i feel ruined and screwed.
i mean, one moment he said our future. you asked me how our kids will look like. then the next thing he said was, my wedding, then now he don’t know how to reply on the cooking issue.
i just don’t like the thought of me not being in your future.
is either we speak to it, having faith in the future tgt or yeah, the opposite route.
how about every now and then i were to tell him, hey im going to this for my future husband, hey im doing that for my future husband, hey im bringing my future husband to here, to there, to eat this, to eat that?
and i will ask myself, who that guy is?
ugh
and yeah, i get insecure because of this shit.
and insecurity leads to stupid questions being raised.
which leads to another stupid shit.
shouldnt we be proclaiming our faith and future through our tongue. speaking it forth and forward?
im a confused girl now.
hearing nostalgic songs today.
emotions flooded in.
thoughts flowing by.
smiles lighted.
everything’s going to be fine.
My God says so.
___ days in Melbourne.
Counting down to the day i can kiss him on his lips, hug him by his body, hold him by his hand, grab him on his waist, be in his embrace and just be me again.
i really feel so bad in shooting that question to him as soon as he got on skype with me. just what is wrong w my brain?
and i really thank God that he handed it up to God before me, and swiped off the frustration he had and continue the conversation w me.
i not only disappointed him, but myself as well.
but maybe, in all of my doubts, in all of questions, what belies is me feeling insecure and me craving for his attention.
:’(
i have issues.
i have issues.
i have an issue in trusting. i find it hard to trust people.
oh God, secure my emotions. and the past shall not haunt me. amen.
is terrible when im always been haunted by the past, even in my sleep. but i know my God says He is possible when i feel terrible.
THATS MY GOD. THATS MY DADDY.
